What's the date today?

November 2nd.
And my heart beats like wildfire.

On this day, exactly a year ago, you left this world. My mind cannot seem to grasp the fact that you're gone and you'll never be back. It feels so surreal still.

Even though it's been a year, I still come home from school and expect you to be in your room. I anticipate your presence and am always disappointed at myself when I realize you're not there.

Even though it's been a year, I still cannot manage to remove your contact from my phone. You picture still remains there. Your number still stands as my speed dial #7. Your name "Mr. Invisible" has never left-Mr. Invisible because I felt you were never there in my life. I sometimes look at my phone and expect you to call me, asking me how school was that day.

Even though it's been a year, every time I take a deep breath on the balcony on my floor, I remember you telling me how Santa Cruz has the best air because it's by the beach and how you never get sinus problems when you're here.

Even though it's been a year, I can't help but cry when I see others crying. Although their tears may be for a variety of reasons, I still cry. It reminds me of when we carried your coffin in to the crematorium. All the sounds of people crying, people grabbing my arm, hugging me, patting my back-I just can't get it out of my head.

Even though it's been a year, every time I brush my hair, I remember you telling me how I should cut my bangs shorter so people could see my eyes and forehead. And I always told you "no" because it would be too short and I'd look like how I did when you cut my hair when I was 6 years old-like a "cow licked it off".

Even though it's been a year, I still long for you to visit me in my dreams so I can tell you how sorry I am and how much I love you. I wish I could see you at least once so I would be able to tell you things I never told you when you were alive.

Even though it's been a year, I can't get you out of my mind. And I'm sorry for not taking the chance to get close to you, for not being the ideal daughter, for not telling you things I should have, for not taking care of you when I should have. I'm sorry. And I love you.

Rest In Peace,
Dad (9.16.49-11.2.09)