Showers Foster Thought

Earlier, I had gotten off the phone with the boy.
Here are some words to describe it: Generic, Short, and Thought Provoking.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love talking to him and the fact that he lives all the way in San Diego makes phone conversations the only adequate means of communication. There were some interesting things I got out of that conversation but before I dive into that, might I remind you that I am an ISFJ. Because of this, I am emotional and constantly want to please people. When I'm dissatisfied, I will try to articulate myself and attempt to make myself happier but the fact that I want to please you will get in the way of me pleasing myself.

I'm going to start these phrases with "I feel" or "I think" because no one can deny my feelings or what goes on in my head. Therefore, let this dissection begin:
1. I feel I'm not taken seriously.
2. I feel menial and irrelevant.
(ISFJ's.... why do we always have to feel this way.. ggrrrr)
3. I don't feel respected.
(In terms of my concerns-they're not taken seriously.)
4. I don't feel needed
(because I am an ISFJ, I am labeled as a Guardian. This means that I protect, foster, and guide people. I am constantly seeking to feel needed. When I am not needed, I feel... irrelevant and horrible. Myers Briggs this shit.)
5. I don't feel comfortable.
(I'm sure it's just the fact that the relationship is still early, but I feel I could never cry to/in front of him. I don't think he'd be the person I'd call if there was an emergency. I don't think I'd call him to vent or rant. Although the amount of time in the relationship may be the source of these issues, I feel the fact that I don't feel I'm taken seriously is also a source.)

You know what?... Looking back on this list, I think #1 sums everything up. If I felt I were taken seriously, I think most of these would not be written down. I know I'm a humorous person and I like to crack and take in jokes a lot, but there comes a time when I need someone whom I can have a serious conversation with who will take my concerns in a serious manner.

And you know what makes this even worse? I feel I can't articulate myself to him because I feel he won't take me seriously. It's like a cycle. Like this:
a) I have a problem
b) I want to tell him
c) I can't because I don't think he'll take me seriously
d) I have a problem... but this time, even larger
Now keep repeating this over and over and over again.

This is just going to layer itself upon itself and more of itself :(

~!@#$%^&*()_+

I was showering and started some deep thinking. If I were to be so extremely stressed to the point where I was bawling my eyes out, I wouldn't seek comfort from him. If I needed to have a deep conversation about a though provoking idea I just formed, I wouldn't call him. If I encountered a problem in my day I wouldn't tell him. If someone did or said something to me and I felt very strongly about it, I wouldn't let him know.

But then I thought: "Alright... if I'm not going to seek him for these things, who would I seek out?"

And the answer to that question, my friends, still amazes me. I would have never thought this person would pop up in my head but he/she did.... and it makes me really.... shocked. I'm going to refer to this person as CROSS... for honestly no particular reason.

I thought about it and it really has to do with the fact that I'm an ISFJ. We Guardians need to feel needed. With CROSS, I definitely felt needed. I felt needed so much to the point where I actually got tired of it (Can you believe that, an ISFJ getting tired of feeling needed?... Yea, it honestly should not ever happen.)

Now that CROSS doesn't need me anymore, I found contentment in my life from others needing me-friends & family, of course. With the inception of this relationship, I found myself pushing my presence on him. Yet again, my ISFJ personality looking for someone to need me-in particular, my boy. But he wasn't biting. He was independent enough to not need me. The Guardian in me...did not like this... she still doesn't.

The fact that my mind turned to CROSS instead of my man really shows something wrong with either me, him, or this relationship. Most likely me. I honestly don't know what to say, do, or even think right now. I'm clearly lost.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm lost. But I'll find my way-whether it be out or in. This picture is titled "I'll Find My Way" and it really does articulate how I feel and where I hope to head in the very...VERY near future... before I spontaneously combust.