Finals

Finals make me stress.

I thrive off stress.

Too much stress makes me cry.

I want to cry. I probably will tonight...well, maybe in about 5 minutes.

I feel horrible, I honestly do. I wish people could just read my mind and feel how I feel so I don't have to lie to them when they ask me if something is wrong. I can't possibly man up and tell them what's wrong because I just feel like shit, okay? I just feel shitty.

Everything feels wrong right now. I haven't felt this introverted since..... 8th grade. 

I feel as if whatever I'm feeling right now will, in a couple days, have to be suppressed in order for the world to move on. And I'll just do the same old me in which I smile life away and everything is just dippity doo dah all over again. 

Fuck that. 

Fuck this.

Fuck them.

Fuck you.

.....

It's odd how I feel as though I have to censor myself in my own blog just so people I know won't know what I feel. Isn't that weird? This is supposed to be for me, not them. Yet I'm censoring this for them because I don't want them to know. #lifeofapeoplepleaser

Pleasing people sucks. It sucks a lot. 

You want to know what made me mad this week?

1. When he said "Do you know how happy it would make them?"

....as if my only goal in life is to please other people and when I have a slight thought of pleasing myself, it's not allowed. 

2. Waiting. Actually, waiting makes me mad no matter what. I feel like so much time is wasted on waiting for others. It's complete bullshit. Especially when you're waiting UP on someone. I want to go the fuck to sleep and now I have to wait up for you? But you know what the worst part is? When they don't even show up. Or, when they show up hours later....and apologize.

 That's the worst. Apologizing is the worst because then you have to say things like "It's okay" or "It's fine" or "Don't worry about it". But it's all bullshit because you just waited for them for HOURS and now you have to force yourself to make excuses for them and to forgive them. When, in fact, you'd rather just tell them to get out of your life and don't come back until they've learned how to treat people they apparently "love".

3. Empty Promises. If you say you're going to do something, just fucking do it! Don't tell me you're going to do one thing and then leave me hanging the day of. Then I have to result back to doing things in #2...especially making excuses for you.

4. Boys not being able to think like a girl. Yes it's an irrational thought. But I'm not asking them to transform themselves. I'm simply asking them to have more empathy than their usual immature game-playing selves. Then maybe I wouldn't feel used; maybe I wouldn't feel obligated to have to please you every time you're in my presence; maybe I wouldn't feel pressured to make my body stop things it naturally won't. 

If boys had a slightly larger amount of empathy, maybe they'd actually make you feel loved instead of feeling mistreated and used. 

......

I'm just stressed, and depressed. And I really just want to go home. Actually, I just want to cry... right now.

AND YET AGAIN I'M MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOU. 

Fuck.