I Had a Dream

Last night, I had a dream. I really believe this dream changed my life and my outlook on happiness-specifically happiness in a marriage. I don't want to go into the details of the dream because the dream contains specific people that should not ever be named in the context of the dream. But I'll give you a little taste of what I went through.

Last night, I dreamed of excruciatingly pure unhappiness. It was my wedding day. I was dressed in a high collared white gown and my soon to be husband (let's call him Jack) was standing outside talking to a certain person. This person has great significance because, in real life, he actually has a relationship with her. We'll call her Jane.

I was standing in the reception hall with my guests walking to their seats. They were coming up to congratulate me and they looked so extremely happy. I was taking pictures with them sans Jack. I felt a little uneasy so I went around the room in search of my best friend, Maithy. She was no where to be found. I then grabbed my phone and walked outside to call her. While walking to a secluded area, I caught a glimpse of Jack cupping his hands around Jane's face and kissing her on the forehead, telling her that he will always love her.

I walked out to a garden and called Maithy. I asked her where she was and she said she was with a friend. She told me that suddenly, she felt drawn to him and had to be by his presence. She apologized for not being able to attend my wedding and abruptly hung up. I stood there with the phone in my hand. A random group of people walked by and told me I had better get back to the ceremony. I started walking back. Jack and Jane came back into view. He was still talking to her. I stood yards away from them and just watched.

I felt so extremely sad. This person was supposed to be my husband, but he was professing his love to another woman. He wanted to be with her, so why was he with me? This was my wedding night but I didn't want to be married, especially to this man. I felt as if I were there just to make others happy. I felt so lonely that no one was there to help me through my emotions. I wanted to run away, call the wedding off, make everyone go home but I felt that if I did, I would disappoint so many people. They'd be surprised and tell me about how they thought we were the golden couple, that this would never have crossed their minds, that they had high hopes for us.

This situation made no one happy. I was upset, my soon-to-be-husband didn't love me, and my guests were disappointed with me. It was an entirely lose-lose situation. I wanted to cry but all I did was stand there.

When I awoke from my dream, I was a little nauseous. I have never felt so depressed, upset, and lonely in my entire life.The realization that came from this dream was a serious wake-up call. I need to reevaluate my life and the reasons for the things I do. I need to know my audience- am I doing this for myself or for others? Am I trying to make myself or others happy?

There are some moments in life when I will want to do something for others and I mentally understand that my motivation is for them. But there are so many times when my motivation is for others when it should be for myself.

It is when I sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of another that I have dug myself into my own grave. This dream has given me the realization that I need to reevaluate and readjust my life to be selfish when necessary and selfless when possible.

For my Buddhism Culture class, we are currently reading the Dhammapada. A phrase from there struck me last night and I highlighted it before going to bed. After having the dream, I woke up thinking about this phrase:

"Don't sacrifice your own welfare for that of another, no matter how great. Realizing your own true welfare, be intent on just that." -Dhammapada verse 165